The Joke Box
Send us your jokes....the best ones get published here!
Two Sardines wanted to go to London, they loved it so much
"Let's go and do our shopping in the January Sales" said one, "we can go on the Tube!"
"Oh no" said the other, "we can't do that, we'd be packed in like commuters"
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This from Grandad Bellerby:
HOW 'FLU GETS ROUND:
A Paper Bag went to the doctor's.
I'm not very well', said the Paper Bag.
H'mmm', said the Doctor, 'I'll have to take a blood sample.'
Don't be daft!' said Paper Bag, 'You can't take a blood sample from a Paper Bag, 'I've only got 'flu. . . .'
I know that,' said the Doctor, 'but I think your dad was a carrier'.
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A pig went into a cafe for tea and cakes. Halfway through his food, he asked the waitress where the toilet was.
"Just down there, on the right." said the waitress, and the pig trotted off.
Twenty minutes later, another piggie came into the cafe and ordered fish and chips
Halfway through her meal, she asked the waitress where the toilet was
"Just down there, on the left." said the waitress and the pig trotted off.
Twenty minutes later another pig came in to the cafe and ordered an omelette.
Halfway through his meal, the waitress went over to his table.
"I suppose you want to know where the toilet is," she said.
"Oh no", answered the piggie, "I'm the one who goes wee wee wee all the way home...."
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A little boy went into the pet shop and asked for 10 pence worth of bird seed.
Once it was wrapped and paid for, the assistant asked:
"How many birds do you have?"
"None yet," he said, "I'm hoping to grow some."
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Mummy Mummy, I'm so glad you named me Mary-Jane.
Why's that, darling?
That's what the girls and boys at school call me'.
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Daz: Which newspaper do cows read?
Caz: I don't know, which newspaper do cows...etc
Daz: The Daily Moos
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Baby Owl: I don't like Fox, I don't want to go to his birthday party...
Daddy Owl: You must go, Baby Owl. Now, what would you like to give Fox for his birthday?
Baby Owl: Measles.
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Fiz: Why was the baby horse unhappy?
Jaz: I don't know, why was the baby horse...etc
Fiz: Because every time he wanted to go out to play, his Mummy said
'Neigh.......!
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Teacher: Name five things that contain milk, please, George.
George: Butter.....cheese....ice-cream.....and - and – and - two cows!
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I opened the door the other day, a germ stood there.
He called me nasty names, hit me and ran off
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Peter: Where does Father Christmas stay when he goes on holiday?
Paul: I don't know, where does ....etc
Peter: At a ho-ho-tel....
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Jill: What is Santa's favourite type of music?
Bill: I don't know, what is Santa's...etc
Jill: Wrap Music!
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Fiz: Who is the snowman's favourite relative?
Bif: I don't know, who is the snowman's...etc
Fiz Aunt Arctica
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Sid: Which ride go ghosts like best at the theme-park?
Kid: I don't know, which ride....etc
Sid: The roller ghoster.
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Q: what's red and sits in the corner?
A: a naughty strawberry
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Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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Teacher: Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Pip: There are nine buttons on my coat, but I can only fasten eight .....
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Teacher: What three words are most often heard in the classroom?
Cindy: I don't know...
Teacher: Correct!
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Teacher: Nelly, I can hardly read your handwriting. You must learn to write more clearly.
Nelly: Oh but please Miss, if I wrote more clearly, you'd complain about my spelling.....
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Teacher: (on the phone) You say George Brown has a bad cold and can't come to school? Who's speaking, please?
George: This is my father.
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Foz: I'm going to have to sell my alarm clock.......
Boz: Why's that?
Foz: It keeps going off when I'm asleep
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What is black, white and waddles and lives in Puerto Rico?
I don't know what is black, white........etc
A lost penguin
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Jack (learning to ride a bike) What do I do if the brakes fail?
Jack's Mum: Hit something soft.......
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Teacher: How do you keep a boy in suspense?
Boy: I don't know, how do you ......etc
Teacher: I'll tell you tomorrow
COOL ONE-LINERS
The man who fell into a lens grinding machine made a spectacle of himself.
I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Police were called to a day care centre where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the chap whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.